Wednesday, November 14, 2007

november tribute

"down & down once again
down & down gone again"
  iron & wine, "sunset soon forgotten"



the top pic was taken by david kraai, after the velvet lounge gig. (the second is by aaron farrington, 2005.) there was a huge tree out in front that several of us, the owner and manager, stood outside and debated about, wondering what kind it was. i made a guess, they made others. in the end, a guy was driving past on his bike, and stopped to put us right on it, but i dont remember the name he said, it was unusual. but he knew alot about it and had a good bit to say. then he complimented them on the club and left, and the conversation went back to the australian band that was playing the next night.



im not sure i am enjoying anything at the moment. that's what i am thinking tonight. im not sure i love anything right now. and for me, that's bad. i love most things normally. its easy to. but now, no, i dont.

i havent enjoyed the sky nearly. or my talking with anyone. i dont care about things properly. i think i am numb. nothing is beautiful. not words and not music. not the
man i thought i loved. not the people i have fought for, or the things. i may have spent so much in the loving i emptied the whole bowl of my heart into them and left nothing to drink for myself.

i have wondered sometimes what could have induced my grandmother to take her own life when she was very little older than me. she and my mother were pregnant at the same time, my mother with me and she with twins. and no, dont be obnoxious and unoriginal and send me emails saying not to take my own life- i am not thinking the same thing. its not that at all. but i have wondered how she could have missed the importance of remaining. of living through things, even living for awhile just for the people who cared about her. but last week, i think, and last year-- i am beginning to see how you might, how she might have, how i might see only the part of things that appear too painful to bear.

once a friend, an actor, said to me, after his father died, that he had had a first thought afterwards. it was, 'i must remember this, and use it for my acting'. i felt nauseous. he was strip-mining his own soul, stealing his own life from himself as though it had no sacred in it. i think my grandmother must have lost the sacred altogether, and it is possible, to lose that.

there are days when my knees buckle, just from the pain, it hits that hard. i dont want to write a song about that. maybe it will come, maybe it wont. its just a change in order. i think i have to hunt around here for something sacred, a sweet tooth or at least sweetness. my brother says, it's time, jenn. so did my ex. so: time it is.

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