the changes are shifting outside the words

no more i love yous, the language is leaving me in silence"

tonight i stood on tired feet while a 99 year old woman trembled into the bar where i pull two shifts a week. can you imagine, me, a bartender? ;) but she staggered in and spoke lucidly, almost uncanny after living through the long span from 1908 til now. the sheer force of existence to make it that long. i could fucking die just thinking about it. but there she sat, with her wild, uncombed white hair. she had been sitting in a very hot car honking to get attention for help to open the heavy door-- i tell you, the imagination you have to maintain to see how people have to get by. try it on! sometimes she wandered, mostly she was lucid and sat drinking a coke and crunching on a small bag of potato chips with no teeth. could lift you into a spiritual change just from watching if youre paying attention.

how lucky can one person get? well, let's see:
i got gifted with some hand me downs from the daughter of the folks im renting a place from, i wore them today.
tonight there was a shooting star somewhere to the right of the moon which is full with a bright planet on either side. i saw it, i think it was for me. i hope the same for you.

luckenbach by moonlight

my ex called from berlin yesterday. seems we can speak without rancor again. so he says:

i loved the record. miss your piano on it, tho.

really? you and juj are the only ones who really know bout that.

well i missed it on there.

k, i will get it on the next.

so, i hear through the grapevine, youre seeing someone. tell me, jenny, does he treat you right?

well, there, folks, is the way to knit up any raveled sleeve: you just clear-cut straight through to the most central question of all, and with the one youve loved before.

then he told me a story about a film premiere he went to over there with the germans. wim wenders came in--did you see wings of desire?--, apparently hes a huge guy, a giant, a. called him. so he comes in, and keeps looking over at a. finally wim comes over and says, where do i know you from? um, no, i dont think weve met before. oh, i know, says wim, yeah, you were in a yahoo commercial that played tv during the superbowl a few years back, like maybe 2004. my ex was floored, of course. neither of us had seen the spot and he doesnt have any reel of it, but here's wim with a clear memory of his face from the thing. dang. my yahoo commercial didnt run during the superbowl, how bout yers?

anyway, its countdown. juliet arrives in a few days and man, we are so gonna get our time together on. i even think we may go fishing, thats my hope. ive never really been a fisherwoman but theres always the startup.

meantime, theres music. im going out to hunt down a piano and a way to pay a publicist. anybody know any good banks to rob? just kidding, watchdogs, if youre watchdogging... also, there was a snake incident over here the other day, i will have to tell you. it involved a showdown with a smith and wesson revolver, a little one as far as i know, since i dont know guns all that well. followed by a lonely showdown with a tarantula or something like one, it was a small black hairy spider that could see very well when i moved. i won. hoping to keep it that way. i shot it up with glass plus and then took it down with a heavy jacketless volumn of dostoyevsky's crime and punishment, just for irony. it was very sad but necessary.

how hard can it be to love? am i the only dummy out there? is there life after barbque? all these and more... but later. im going to work.

some days are trusting, some tear you to pieces one, two, three

and so it goes--happy memorial day!

and now for something completely different

well, have YOU ever sang partner karaoke to "proud mary" in a little bar somewhere? forget about it.

dont make me suffer im not the enemy

anyway, not trying to b.

rain, cats crying at the key, lots of unspoken, dangerous curves ahead, but not really. it's easy if there's stillness in the center. well, not easy, but certainly doable.

im looking for a band up proper, tired of fucking around. tired of making do. wanna do the thing. let's get the thing on. fuck this shit.

in other words, nice day. NEXT.

the high desert of el norte

so, yesterday the rooster didnt wake me. and neither did the traffic, or neighbors or nuthin. it was just the day, and a phonecall.

my mom didnt do the eye surgery thing, and i think thats a good thing. looks like it'll be lettuce juices after all and general overhaul. like for the rest of us.

i am sorry for not saying anything. i cant seem to find the words. something about being nonprivate for so long. not complaining just how i work. or dont.

juliet is listening to elvis and emmylou on the phone. it'll be good to see her soon. thank god for summer holidays!

i want to compliment some folks, for right living and really good impressive intent: misses wendy, belinda, rhonda, tish, debbie, renee; misters jack, james, dan, and other misters (if i overlook in either catagory, forgive). these are folks who people my days right now and i am glad for their company. funny how it comes down to very simple requests after all.

once a long time ago, some filmmaker friends of a teacher of mine went and made a film called el norte, which was a little indie thing and got big. they were one of the start of a whole new wave of new indie film, like jim jarmusch and them guys--the brothers coen, like the guys who did bagdad cafe and paris tx. i remember being in talks with the cinematographer from bagdad cafe who we were trying to work out for a film we wanted to shoot on the brittany coast several years ago. he does some great stuff. he worked on the wr winkle movie that my ex was in, and he just gives great camera. anyway, i feel things wrapping up, concluding, remastering. i am changed by the daring and the incredible courage it takes to keep living, and fully. i see it every day around me. no question about it, the heart needs a home. a really good container for all the trying.