still and even

that's the day outside. so incredibly still. nothing moving. except the truck driver delivering produce or meat or beer to the cafe next door. but the air is like held breath or very deep sleep.

i was lying in bed wondering what i wanted with the rest of my life. its a monday thing--i know its tuesday and ive refused it, im calling it monday again.usually when i think such a thing, i go immediately to love. thats where it always goes. but i dont know where my heart is. love has had a very bad year in me, and my heart seems to have closed a door and then another and disappeared down a hallway of doors so that i dont know if i even think i could believe anyone ever again. i had no idea how many people fake love, or really believe they are experiencing it but you never did see a worse case of notifithityouintheass. but its not a good thing, my heart disappearing down a hallway like that, not for someone like me. im a little dumb anyway, heart people are maybe--good idea to watch out for those superheady folk. my heart, if its in there still, must wonder if its a shoe or a broom. cauterized. now that's a really ugly word; something that's been burnt off at both ends or where it might flow into something else. like, no more, thanks. that's  bad thing. for my heart to be at zero tolerance. very bad.

of course im in the wrong mutherfuckin business too. i dont believe in the business of music. its like the business of marriage, or the business of birth or death--go the fuck away and get out my face. thats what i have to say for the business of music. what a load of horseshit. how the fuck are you supposed to sing again?

"now, let's see, here's --[not even fuckin kidding you] a critique of your song, its really well crafted and the chorus isnt so much  a chorus as a subtle yet effective hook--"

"im sorry where the bathroom at or should i just vomit all over you?"

"excuse me?"

"oh no i dont think so. excuse ME. i think i may just have crash landed from neptune cause I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOURE TALKING ABOUT OR WHY YOUD THINK I CARE! who the fuck would critique a song? now i ask you! for WHAT? hey but i never got the whole autopsy thing either, i realize its science and whatnot but fuck off its still some freak digging around inside someones body while theyre not around to stop em and that is just nasty kink. "

"im going to have to ask you to--"

and so on. but anyway. something is terrible wrong with my heart. dont know why but my whole life ive been surrounded by a measure of folks with serious shit issues that they havent worked out and/or want to issue all over everybody else.maybe thats standard, i dont give a fuck. its just wrong. im fucking tired of people not cleaning up their shit. and i do mean ALL THE WAY. to where youre not secretly harboring some awful crap about let me in stealth and secret come up on this person and do them harm. for fucks sake. isnt that what the twenties are for? cleaning your shit up? getting it together? i swear, the happiest ive ever been in my whole life was this summer with my daughter, after id left my day gig, and gone inside and closed the door where nobodys rank ugly shit could get at us, and just spent time inviolate and happy. shes the only person i know who doesnt have a mess of lies about everything, and we were (mostly) untampered with. i cant remember the last time i felt like those things from that movie, you know, they are kinda alien i guess and they sort of take off their skin and theyre all light and whatever. coccoon! yeah, and they take their skin off or something and then just chill or whatever. we were like that, chillin in total trust. but i dont know what happened to my heart. the first thing i think of when i think about the restofmylife question is love. that whole thing. not sure if i believe it can be done. to quote martha wainright, everybodys just a bloody motherfucking asshole. or sumthin. how can you love or sing with all this rank funk filthy motherfucking uglyass carniverous envying nasty shit everywhere?

understand, its been a long year. i deserved my molly bloom soliloquy rant. fact i dont think ive had a good rant in... hmm, since i got to texas? fuck that.

time for a big ass cup of the best coffee ive ever made and some music goddamn it. i gotta get my heart back in order.

ps if this is your first time to this blog and youre reading this and actually think that i think all people are m...ing as....les relax, all is well, its just a thing i do. i repeat it every so often, get my rant on and then its done. bear with me, have a sip of coffee, take a load off. and no, i dont think everyones an asshole.